. About what motivates people who decide to adopt, the editorial board of Vesti.Meditsina told Diana Mashkova, writer, journalist, founder of the “ABC of the foster family” fund “Arithmetic good.”
Not so long ago, we with colleagues – specialists of state institutions and employees of charitable foundations – passed training in Great Britain. The program included visits to many structures and organizations involved in helping orphans. We met with representatives of the Lumos Foundation – the very one established by Joanne Rowling. We visited one of the oldest funds in England, the Coram BAAF, which has existed since 1739. Visited the most famous in the country agency for adoption and care TACT Fostering and Adoption. A lot of other interesting places. And, one way or another, the conversation often came about “who are these people who take orphans into families?” Surprisingly, while listening to British colleagues, we learned in their stories of our own compatriots-adoptive parents and guardians.
As a rule, candidates for substitute parents are socially socially stable people who managed to solve in their life the basic material and career tasks. It is understandable. In a situation where there is nothing to eat or not have the opportunity to feed blood children, it’s simply not going to be about orphans. Most often in the property of families who decide to take children, there is this or that real estate. It can be a small one-room apartment, and quite a solid house – the essence is only that property is also some external sign of stability. Although, unfortunately, if we talk not about the social, but about the psychological plan, harmony and stability can not boast of all and not always. But about everything in order.
Candidates for substitute parents on their motivation can share on several conditional groups – in this issue, too, there were no significant territorial or national differences.
I want a child
A significant part of people who come to foster parenthood, after all, is guided by the desire to have a child. It can be childless couples. Or families that raise children from a previous marriage, but for various reasons can not give birth to a common child. After numerous attempts, they come to the conclusion that their way is adoption. If parents approach the issue consciously, are seriously preparing for the adoption of the child and do not include unreasonable expectations (in order to be similar to growing such and such), there are very successful stories. Among the families of our club there are many fine examples of such realized desires. But there is always a place for unconditional acceptance, true love. It does not matter that the child is of a different nationality. It does not matter that he has a different color of eyes and hair. It is not at all frightening that a kid has blood parents and will honestly tell him the story of life. People came to the topic well-designed. And this is the most important thing. We have a beautiful young family who adopted a baby Nanai from Khabarovsk. There is another couple who accepted a Kazakh boy. There are parents who took their brothers and sisters of African-Americans to their family. There are hundreds of examples not only of different nationalities, but also of children with different developmental features. Most importantly, they are accepted and they are in their families, their own. This happens if parents invest in their desire a deep true sense, and not an erroneous desire to have a child, imitating other families with children or for fear of remaining alone “in the old age.” I want to help the child. The second category of adoptive parents and guardians are those who have a predominant desire to help an orphan. As a rule, these people are well informed that institutional education is not at all what children need for a happy and harmonious development. Such candidates could face the orphanage system in person – to be friends in childhood with a child who was left an orphan, see a small refusenik in the hospital or go to a children’s home as a volunteer. Having immersed themselves in the reality of orphanhood, having experienced the first shock, they begin to study the question, to dive into it. And fine, if at this stage do not make sharp movements, do not go on about the first emotions. Because here – with all the positive motivation – you need deep awareness. “Rescuers” and “heroes” are the worst variant of candidates for foster parents. They, rushing headlong, rush to the embrasure, knock the head of the wall in order to take the child to their family, and after their resource is exhausted. And the strength to support the child, to socialize it, to engage in its rehabilitation 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, is no longer there. In this case, much higher speed still endurance is valued. Parenthood, especially the reception, it’s definitely not a sprint. it marathon – and, for the longest distance. I want to help myself. There was one memorable case in my practice. I described it in my book “Alien Children”. The candidate – let’s name her as in Tamara Sergeyevna’s novel – came to our fund to join the event-acquaintance with the children, which we conducted together with the children’s home. One hour of the interview was more than enough to make it clear: the person conceived with the help of the child to solve his own problems. Firstly, the elderly lady was lonely – no children, no grandchildren – and it seemed that an orphaned child would brighten up life. Secondly, by virtue of age, many things became difficult to do most and therefore wanted help in everyday life. Third, there was not enough pension, and there were hopes for the benefit that the state is obliged to pay to the child. It was also in the fourth, and in the fifth, and in the sixth. But, most importantly, they needed a round orphan, without a single relative, but with a good anamnesis and a huge sense of gratitude to the guardian for saving him. The requirements are impracticable. Over the years of work, I had to face very different motives for “helping myself.” The most frequent is the need for a close person and his support. Hope for the notorious “glass of water” in old age. There are other motives, which are dictated by the psychological trauma of the candidate and the expectation that the child is able to heal it. Here lies the most terrible delusion and great danger. However, this does not mean that ideal parents should become foster parents, without a single injury and flaw. This is impossible in principle. But it is very important that a person realizes his true motive and understands how to work on himself. Because it is necessary to come to the adoption of the child in a conscious and resourceful state. Of course, all three needs – “I want a child,” “I want to help a child,” and “I want to help myself” – in reality often unite and closely intertwine. Moreover, I know a lot of families that different children have taken for different reasons. For example, even to go far is not necessary – my youngest daughter and my husband adopted from the desire to have another child, and the need to help the orphan was secondary. But the elder son and the middle daughter (16 and 13 years old) were already taking into account the considerations that teenagers really need support. We need a family that will become reliable in their lives. Therefore, of course, it makes no sense to talk about a single motivation in its pure form. But it is still important to understand what the family comes first. And psychologists, who teach in the Schools of foster parents, know how to clarify this important issue. After all, how will our joint life with the adopted child develop, will we become for him a resource for development and a safe haven or not, in many respects depends on what we were guided at the very beginning of the journey. But the national characteristics, the color of the eyes, hair, and at the same time the country of residence, here in general, there is nothing to do with it.